Meaning of life.
Quote from a movie review by A. O. Scott of the movie "Adaptation": At one point in "The Orchid Thief," Ms. Orlean asks a park ranger named Tony why he thinks people find orchids so seductive. His answer matches both the nonchalance and the insight of this remarkable, impossible film: "Oh, mystery, beauty, unknowability, I suppose. Besides, I think the real reason is that life has no meaning. I mean, no obvious meaning. You wake up, you go to work, you do stuff. I think everybody's always looking for something a little unusual that can preoccupy them and help pass the time."
The park ranger's attitude matches mine exactly. People who don't believe in god and don't feel the necessity of finding some higher meaning in life have to find some reason to live. Yes, we know our strongest instinct is to survive but we also have intelligence to analyze that instinct and say that it's not worthwhile. If we feel it's not worthwhile yet don't want to kill ourselves or live in a depressed state, we have to find something to live for. I've found that small pleasures and small passions are enough. Of course, great pleasures and grand passions are better but certainly more rare. At 57, I am content to pursue the small pleasures and passions while remaining open and on the lookout for the great ones.
The writer Branden McGill had a philosophy of life that also suited me; it's a little more idealistic than the park ranger's. He said he wanted to take as much enjoyment out of life as possible while giving back more than he took. It's a good philosophy, but what's the rationale behind it if there is no god and no higher meaning? Two answers: one, we have been culturally or genetically conditioned to feel good when we do good, and two, if we do good, our environment is likely to be better and we will benefit from it.
With these two philosophies, I live with enough satisfaction and I feel proud of myself that I'm strong enough to not need the crutches of religion or other belief's that give meaning to existence to support me. What is the source of my satisfaction in my strength? I haven't thought that one out, but it's a characterisctic that has broadened in scope in recent years, most notably in Korea, my need to try to keep up with twenty-something men, to overcome my fears and limitations in physical activities like hiking and cycling. Pride in strength? Hmmmm. Think on it.
06 December 2002
Narcissism
During all the five years I've lived in Korea, I've thought that Koreans are the most narcissistic people I've ever encountered. My first year here I discussed it with Ron Aizen and he agreed and told of seeing a young man in a men's room standing in front of the mirror trying on poses with a couple of props - a cigarette and a hat. When Ron entered the men's room, the fellow was at it and when Ron left the fellow was still at it. The fellow didn't appear in the least embarrassed at having Ron see him. I told how women stand in front of mirrors just looking and gazing and inspecting every detail of their faces - also unperturbed at having someone else see them. I thought this facial self-absorption was a Korean characteristic and that though Americans may be curious about their faces and peer into the mirror in private, they would be embarrassed to be caught at it. I would have sworn this to be the American cultural attitude. Until I recently - should I say finally since I'm many years behind the fashion - I began watching Ally McBeal. The characters in that show stand in front of the mirror gazing and peering and posing in an office toilet - unisex toilet. At least the characters stop when someone enters but they don't appear embarrassed. Well,... the characters on that show are eccentric so that may account for the posing. I think my original assessment of this mirror phenomenon was accurate: Americans do not pose in front of mirrors in public. Koreans do.
During all the five years I've lived in Korea, I've thought that Koreans are the most narcissistic people I've ever encountered. My first year here I discussed it with Ron Aizen and he agreed and told of seeing a young man in a men's room standing in front of the mirror trying on poses with a couple of props - a cigarette and a hat. When Ron entered the men's room, the fellow was at it and when Ron left the fellow was still at it. The fellow didn't appear in the least embarrassed at having Ron see him. I told how women stand in front of mirrors just looking and gazing and inspecting every detail of their faces - also unperturbed at having someone else see them. I thought this facial self-absorption was a Korean characteristic and that though Americans may be curious about their faces and peer into the mirror in private, they would be embarrassed to be caught at it. I would have sworn this to be the American cultural attitude. Until I recently - should I say finally since I'm many years behind the fashion - I began watching Ally McBeal. The characters in that show stand in front of the mirror gazing and peering and posing in an office toilet - unisex toilet. At least the characters stop when someone enters but they don't appear embarrassed. Well,... the characters on that show are eccentric so that may account for the posing. I think my original assessment of this mirror phenomenon was accurate: Americans do not pose in front of mirrors in public. Koreans do.
Samuel Pepys, the blogger.
Imagine if Samuel Pepys lived in these times. His employer would never get him away from his blog. He would blog day and night. I recently read a review of a biography of Pepys by Claire Tomalin who also wrote a biography of Jane Austin. I would like to read both biographies. What interested me most in that review was the statement that Pepys was such an unashamed diarist. He found himself always a subject of great interest to himself. Though I've kept jouranls on and off all my life, I've always been a little embarrassed by it: Writing just for the sake of writing about yourself seems so self-centered. Celebrities and geniuses have the excuse that the public is interested in whatever they have to say, but what do ordinary joes have for an excuse. I used to think that sociologists mights like to collect journals of ordinary people and use them for their analyses, but my friend and frequent bubble burster Jonny said they have too much material and are not interested.
Then what's the purpose? So I can reread my journals when I'm old and use them to reconsider my life? Maybe, but I bet I won't reread them; I'll no longer be interested in my past. Very old people seem to get deeply interested in the minutia of their current lives.
My friend Shirley Windward made good use of her lifetime of journaling. After a stroke and extensive memory loss, she read her journals and regained her memory through them. That was impressive.
I am still a bit ashamed at writing about myself, but I admit I like it. As I am the primary reference point of my existence - the world will stop existing for me when I die - I guess I'm pretty important to my life.
I wonder what made Pepys so unashamedly self-centered. The intensity of his interest in his life may be what makes his diaries so interesting even today to people everywhere. I put his biography on my shopping list for my visit to the States next summer. I doubt Kyobo Bookstore will stock it.
Friday evening, quitting time. Working Saturday tomorrow. How I hate it. Having to go home or out on Friday night knowing you have to get home early because tomorrow is a working day.
Tonight, I think I'll cook. I'll cook for the first time since I returned to Korea nearly 12 months ago. I'll boil Dececca pasta which I found at Carrefour and put naste Prego sauce on it. I must go to the TGIF tonight to say goodbye to Yassine who will be returning to school in France soon.
Imagine if Samuel Pepys lived in these times. His employer would never get him away from his blog. He would blog day and night. I recently read a review of a biography of Pepys by Claire Tomalin who also wrote a biography of Jane Austin. I would like to read both biographies. What interested me most in that review was the statement that Pepys was such an unashamed diarist. He found himself always a subject of great interest to himself. Though I've kept jouranls on and off all my life, I've always been a little embarrassed by it: Writing just for the sake of writing about yourself seems so self-centered. Celebrities and geniuses have the excuse that the public is interested in whatever they have to say, but what do ordinary joes have for an excuse. I used to think that sociologists mights like to collect journals of ordinary people and use them for their analyses, but my friend and frequent bubble burster Jonny said they have too much material and are not interested.
Then what's the purpose? So I can reread my journals when I'm old and use them to reconsider my life? Maybe, but I bet I won't reread them; I'll no longer be interested in my past. Very old people seem to get deeply interested in the minutia of their current lives.
My friend Shirley Windward made good use of her lifetime of journaling. After a stroke and extensive memory loss, she read her journals and regained her memory through them. That was impressive.
I am still a bit ashamed at writing about myself, but I admit I like it. As I am the primary reference point of my existence - the world will stop existing for me when I die - I guess I'm pretty important to my life.
I wonder what made Pepys so unashamedly self-centered. The intensity of his interest in his life may be what makes his diaries so interesting even today to people everywhere. I put his biography on my shopping list for my visit to the States next summer. I doubt Kyobo Bookstore will stock it.
Friday evening, quitting time. Working Saturday tomorrow. How I hate it. Having to go home or out on Friday night knowing you have to get home early because tomorrow is a working day.
Tonight, I think I'll cook. I'll cook for the first time since I returned to Korea nearly 12 months ago. I'll boil Dececca pasta which I found at Carrefour and put naste Prego sauce on it. I must go to the TGIF tonight to say goodbye to Yassine who will be returning to school in France soon.
05 December 2002
The American soldiers kill Korean middle school girls scandal.
I finally got more information on this case and I at least understand what happened. During all these weeks of commotion in the country over it, I couldn't understand how the girls could let the vehicle run them over. Now I know. I'd been haranguing Chang about it for a couple of weeks, but he didn't have much to say because he didn't know the facts. Finally, he read up on it and reported to me.
The story. A convoy of American vehicles were returning from three days of military exercises. A jeep with the commander was leading the convoy of armored vehicles. Because the view of the driver of these vehicles is obstructed, a navigator sits above somewhere and watches. Because of the great noise inside the vehicle, the navigator communicates to the driver through a communication system (a walkie-talkie?). No one has been able to describe the space inside the armored vehicle, but the navigator must be fairly close to the driver. One piece of information that Chang dug up for me was that if the navigator cannot use the communication system and there's an emergency, he must kick the driver. That suggests he's above and at least his feet and within reach of the driver.
The convoy is driving along a narrow public country road. Someone had told the commander that the road was too narrow for two-way traffic of big military vehicles, but it was the shortest route back to the base so the commander chose to use it. Two middle school Korean girls were walking along the road to a birthday party at a friend's. There was no shoulder on the right side of the road and there was a drop off directly from the road. I don't know how deep the drop off was. The lead jeep and two armored vehicles passed the girls and there was another army vehicle coming from the opposite direction. The driver of the third armored vehicle saw the oncoming vehicle and moved to the right side. His view being obstructed, he didn't see the girls. The navigator claims he saw the girls and tried to warn the driver through the communication system but the system didn't work and they ran over the girls, crushing them to death. The communication system of that vehicle had been malfunctioning on and off for some time and they had reported it to the repair people but the repair people hadn't gotten around to repairing it. They claimed that the system was working during the exercises.
The soldiers had gotten about five hours sleep during the previous three days; it was morning; they were on their way home.
Open question: If the navigator saw the girls and failed to communicate by the system, why didn't he kick the hell out of the driver to get his attention?
The driver and navigator were tried in a U.S. military court for negligent homicide. Both were found innocent. The judges said the prosecution failed to prove beyond reasonable doubt that they were negligent.
If those two individuals weren't negligent, who was? Somebody was negligent because such an accident should not happen. Who is ultimately responsible for the equipment being in bad repair? Was the commander responsible for taking the narrow road? Was the commander responsible for not stopping the convoy on a narrow road with no shoulder when he passed the two girls? Who the hell is responsible? Someone is. Someone should be charged with responsibility.
I suspect the navigator was lying. I suspect he was tired and on the way home and not paying attention. I think, given the U.S. system of proof beyond doubt, the verdict was just. How could the prosecution prove the navigator was lying? I also think the soldiers would not have gotten a fair trial by a Korean court with a jury. The people would have convicted them from anger and revenge emotions. Maybe a judge would have been objective, but how? If he let them go, the people would accuse him of toadying to the Americans.
The furor this has caused in Korea is about two things: general anti-American sentiment and the terms of SOFA. The Americans insist on having jurisdiction over soldiers who commit crimes in Korea. The biggest sticking point is that the U.S. has more jurisdiction in Korea than in Japan. That indicates that Japan is a stronger negotiating partner than Korea, and that understandably angers the Koreans. Though the treaty was renegotiated just a year or so ago, it is still unsatisfactory to most Koreans. Now since the innocent verdict on the two soldiers, there's demonstrations all over the country. I wish I could know more about how soldiers are disciplined for crimes in Korea. I have a feeling that they get away with too much. Maybe the military is lenient on them to compensate them for being stationed in a foreign country. But I think that soldiers stationed in a foreign country should be held to much stricter behavior. They are representing their country and they should be models of that country. I'd like to hear the American military side of the argument. The facts as I know them look pretty bad for the U.S.
I finally got more information on this case and I at least understand what happened. During all these weeks of commotion in the country over it, I couldn't understand how the girls could let the vehicle run them over. Now I know. I'd been haranguing Chang about it for a couple of weeks, but he didn't have much to say because he didn't know the facts. Finally, he read up on it and reported to me.
The story. A convoy of American vehicles were returning from three days of military exercises. A jeep with the commander was leading the convoy of armored vehicles. Because the view of the driver of these vehicles is obstructed, a navigator sits above somewhere and watches. Because of the great noise inside the vehicle, the navigator communicates to the driver through a communication system (a walkie-talkie?). No one has been able to describe the space inside the armored vehicle, but the navigator must be fairly close to the driver. One piece of information that Chang dug up for me was that if the navigator cannot use the communication system and there's an emergency, he must kick the driver. That suggests he's above and at least his feet and within reach of the driver.
The convoy is driving along a narrow public country road. Someone had told the commander that the road was too narrow for two-way traffic of big military vehicles, but it was the shortest route back to the base so the commander chose to use it. Two middle school Korean girls were walking along the road to a birthday party at a friend's. There was no shoulder on the right side of the road and there was a drop off directly from the road. I don't know how deep the drop off was. The lead jeep and two armored vehicles passed the girls and there was another army vehicle coming from the opposite direction. The driver of the third armored vehicle saw the oncoming vehicle and moved to the right side. His view being obstructed, he didn't see the girls. The navigator claims he saw the girls and tried to warn the driver through the communication system but the system didn't work and they ran over the girls, crushing them to death. The communication system of that vehicle had been malfunctioning on and off for some time and they had reported it to the repair people but the repair people hadn't gotten around to repairing it. They claimed that the system was working during the exercises.
The soldiers had gotten about five hours sleep during the previous three days; it was morning; they were on their way home.
Open question: If the navigator saw the girls and failed to communicate by the system, why didn't he kick the hell out of the driver to get his attention?
The driver and navigator were tried in a U.S. military court for negligent homicide. Both were found innocent. The judges said the prosecution failed to prove beyond reasonable doubt that they were negligent.
If those two individuals weren't negligent, who was? Somebody was negligent because such an accident should not happen. Who is ultimately responsible for the equipment being in bad repair? Was the commander responsible for taking the narrow road? Was the commander responsible for not stopping the convoy on a narrow road with no shoulder when he passed the two girls? Who the hell is responsible? Someone is. Someone should be charged with responsibility.
I suspect the navigator was lying. I suspect he was tired and on the way home and not paying attention. I think, given the U.S. system of proof beyond doubt, the verdict was just. How could the prosecution prove the navigator was lying? I also think the soldiers would not have gotten a fair trial by a Korean court with a jury. The people would have convicted them from anger and revenge emotions. Maybe a judge would have been objective, but how? If he let them go, the people would accuse him of toadying to the Americans.
The furor this has caused in Korea is about two things: general anti-American sentiment and the terms of SOFA. The Americans insist on having jurisdiction over soldiers who commit crimes in Korea. The biggest sticking point is that the U.S. has more jurisdiction in Korea than in Japan. That indicates that Japan is a stronger negotiating partner than Korea, and that understandably angers the Koreans. Though the treaty was renegotiated just a year or so ago, it is still unsatisfactory to most Koreans. Now since the innocent verdict on the two soldiers, there's demonstrations all over the country. I wish I could know more about how soldiers are disciplined for crimes in Korea. I have a feeling that they get away with too much. Maybe the military is lenient on them to compensate them for being stationed in a foreign country. But I think that soldiers stationed in a foreign country should be held to much stricter behavior. They are representing their country and they should be models of that country. I'd like to hear the American military side of the argument. The facts as I know them look pretty bad for the U.S.
04 December 2002
Ain't life grand?
Being terrified all year about using up my scant vacation days - 12 days at ETRI as opposed to 4 months at KAIST - I find myself in the first week of December with four days left. Those four days plus Korea's election day plus Christmas and New Year's holidays give me seven holidays in five weeks. WOW! I had originally planned to use those days for cycling alone or with Chang or with Fable, but I waited too long: no warmish days in the next two weeks' forecast. All I ask is 8 degrees Celsius or above, but it seems it's not going to happen. So what's the next best thing to cycling? Sleeping, of course. I've arranged my days so I'll have one vacation day to sleep in after a milonga (tango dancing event) the night before; one vacation day to go to the dentist (It's been a year and a half since my last cleaning.), but that will also be a sleeping in day and I'll try to set up a drinking or romancing appointment for the night before; one sleeping in vacation day on the day I go to Seoul for three evenings of tango lessons from Chan and Eugenia, the American couple (Korean-American and Ukrainian-American) who gave us two weeks of lessons last winter; and one sleeping in vacation day after the three nights of lessons. In addition, election day will be a sleeping in day after a milonga, and the two holidays, Xmas and New Year's, will just be sleeping in days. Yes, life is grand.
Last Saturday I had a murderous cycling ride. It being a working Saturday, Chang and I didn't get started until about 2. Driving to Kyejok Mountain, we began cycling at 2:30. Chang proposed to go over the mountain to the other side where we could see Daecheong Lake because that was a course I had never taken. He warned me that it was a hard course, about 3 1/2 hours offroad and steep, and asked if I was fit. Yes, I said. Though I had only worked out once that week, I felt generally fit and strong. I made two mistakes: one, I didn't ask if it was a Chang 3 1/2 hours or a Juli 3 1/2 hours and two, I assumed on that route we could see the lake and didn't think about descending the other side of the mountain and riding along the lake. It was a Chang 3 hours and we did indeed descend the mountain on the other side and ride along the lake. The only mitigating factor was that the ride on the other side of the mountain was mostly paved country road. OH, I was so lucky, another mitigating factor: Workers were doing maintenance on the offroad going up the front side of the mountain and parts of it were smoothed out and patted down so there was less loose dirt and gravel in those sections. I got up the steep first three kilometers better than I had on the previous two rides, and I was feeling quite proud of myself. What made the difference? My new wider rear tire that I'd installed all by myself? Increased fitness and strength? Improved hill-climbing skill? I don't know, but I was proud. Then we toodled along up and down around the mountain a while before descending. Well, it wasn't exactly toodling, because Chang asked if we could speed up because it was getting late and we needed to get down and come up and go down again before dark, which he guessed would be at 6. That put pressure on me because I just do the best I can and I can't speed up more than the best I can. Chang, a fit twenty something man, knows that I, a late fifty something woman, can only do what she can do. I tried to speed up but I basically kept my pace. Down the mountain - pleasant. Along the lake shore - lovely, beautiful, wonderful, but I was getting tired and cold. Starting up the mountain through some very small villages - still interesting but I was realizing I was really tired and colder. Darkness came before 5:30. Colder. More tired. Halfway up the mountain, Chang started asking if I could make it. I replied what choice did I have. He suggested I could wait somewhere while he got the car and drove around the mountain which would take much longer than cycling over the mountain. No I would freeze waiting in the cold and there were no public places along the way. I had to keep going. He rode ahead at his pace and waited for me from time to time. One point in my favor: He asked if I was afraid of the dark. No, certainly not. Oh good, because his girlfriend (as most Koreans) was afraid of the dark and he couldn't have left her alone a minute and even with him she'd be afraid. Most Koreans (even PhD engineers) believe in ghosts and it seems ghosts hang out in mountains in the dark. That wasn't a problem for me. Even if there are ghosts in Korean mountains, I can't imagine what business they would have with me. Chang was free to ride ahead and only wait where the trail forked. Our biggest concern was my night blindness. He's seen me try to hike down mountains in the dark and knew I couldn't see a thing. Fortunately, the trail was lighter than the surrounding terrain so I could see where to go though not the stones and ruts in the way. Fortunately also, the foot and hand warmers I was wearing worked. My toes and fingers were still freezing but the feet and hands were warm, and I was warm enough. We got down the moutain just after 6:30. I did anyway. Chang had gone ahead and had packed up his bike and had the heater going in the car when I arrived.
I was tired but proud as hell of myself for making it. What choice did I have but to make it? That night I met Fable for dinner. Watched a movie. Couldn't do anything but vegetate dumbly. Next morning, same thing. To be continued.... I'm off to dinner with Chang and Ken and then on to the milonga. No work tomorrow. Hah, hah.
Being terrified all year about using up my scant vacation days - 12 days at ETRI as opposed to 4 months at KAIST - I find myself in the first week of December with four days left. Those four days plus Korea's election day plus Christmas and New Year's holidays give me seven holidays in five weeks. WOW! I had originally planned to use those days for cycling alone or with Chang or with Fable, but I waited too long: no warmish days in the next two weeks' forecast. All I ask is 8 degrees Celsius or above, but it seems it's not going to happen. So what's the next best thing to cycling? Sleeping, of course. I've arranged my days so I'll have one vacation day to sleep in after a milonga (tango dancing event) the night before; one vacation day to go to the dentist (It's been a year and a half since my last cleaning.), but that will also be a sleeping in day and I'll try to set up a drinking or romancing appointment for the night before; one sleeping in vacation day on the day I go to Seoul for three evenings of tango lessons from Chan and Eugenia, the American couple (Korean-American and Ukrainian-American) who gave us two weeks of lessons last winter; and one sleeping in vacation day after the three nights of lessons. In addition, election day will be a sleeping in day after a milonga, and the two holidays, Xmas and New Year's, will just be sleeping in days. Yes, life is grand.
Last Saturday I had a murderous cycling ride. It being a working Saturday, Chang and I didn't get started until about 2. Driving to Kyejok Mountain, we began cycling at 2:30. Chang proposed to go over the mountain to the other side where we could see Daecheong Lake because that was a course I had never taken. He warned me that it was a hard course, about 3 1/2 hours offroad and steep, and asked if I was fit. Yes, I said. Though I had only worked out once that week, I felt generally fit and strong. I made two mistakes: one, I didn't ask if it was a Chang 3 1/2 hours or a Juli 3 1/2 hours and two, I assumed on that route we could see the lake and didn't think about descending the other side of the mountain and riding along the lake. It was a Chang 3 hours and we did indeed descend the mountain on the other side and ride along the lake. The only mitigating factor was that the ride on the other side of the mountain was mostly paved country road. OH, I was so lucky, another mitigating factor: Workers were doing maintenance on the offroad going up the front side of the mountain and parts of it were smoothed out and patted down so there was less loose dirt and gravel in those sections. I got up the steep first three kilometers better than I had on the previous two rides, and I was feeling quite proud of myself. What made the difference? My new wider rear tire that I'd installed all by myself? Increased fitness and strength? Improved hill-climbing skill? I don't know, but I was proud. Then we toodled along up and down around the mountain a while before descending. Well, it wasn't exactly toodling, because Chang asked if we could speed up because it was getting late and we needed to get down and come up and go down again before dark, which he guessed would be at 6. That put pressure on me because I just do the best I can and I can't speed up more than the best I can. Chang, a fit twenty something man, knows that I, a late fifty something woman, can only do what she can do. I tried to speed up but I basically kept my pace. Down the mountain - pleasant. Along the lake shore - lovely, beautiful, wonderful, but I was getting tired and cold. Starting up the mountain through some very small villages - still interesting but I was realizing I was really tired and colder. Darkness came before 5:30. Colder. More tired. Halfway up the mountain, Chang started asking if I could make it. I replied what choice did I have. He suggested I could wait somewhere while he got the car and drove around the mountain which would take much longer than cycling over the mountain. No I would freeze waiting in the cold and there were no public places along the way. I had to keep going. He rode ahead at his pace and waited for me from time to time. One point in my favor: He asked if I was afraid of the dark. No, certainly not. Oh good, because his girlfriend (as most Koreans) was afraid of the dark and he couldn't have left her alone a minute and even with him she'd be afraid. Most Koreans (even PhD engineers) believe in ghosts and it seems ghosts hang out in mountains in the dark. That wasn't a problem for me. Even if there are ghosts in Korean mountains, I can't imagine what business they would have with me. Chang was free to ride ahead and only wait where the trail forked. Our biggest concern was my night blindness. He's seen me try to hike down mountains in the dark and knew I couldn't see a thing. Fortunately, the trail was lighter than the surrounding terrain so I could see where to go though not the stones and ruts in the way. Fortunately also, the foot and hand warmers I was wearing worked. My toes and fingers were still freezing but the feet and hands were warm, and I was warm enough. We got down the moutain just after 6:30. I did anyway. Chang had gone ahead and had packed up his bike and had the heater going in the car when I arrived.
I was tired but proud as hell of myself for making it. What choice did I have but to make it? That night I met Fable for dinner. Watched a movie. Couldn't do anything but vegetate dumbly. Next morning, same thing. To be continued.... I'm off to dinner with Chang and Ken and then on to the milonga. No work tomorrow. Hah, hah.
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